When we first came into this world as infants, we were very focused on having our immediate needs met. Life was simple. With more “socialization”, we began to respond to those around us and our thoughts turned outward. Our parents, friends, and teachers were more interested in finding ways to have us please them than to have us please ourselves and we lost touch with whatever internal guidance system we had. We became more OUTER directed and motivated by the approval and disapproval of others. We started to look for ways to please everyone else and if we made a decision to please ourselves and meet our own needs first, we were labeled as selfish.
As women, we have extra baggage around this issue because society has taught us that as women we should be nurturers. The assumption here is that we need to take care of everyone and make sure that they are happy and healthy and all their needs are met. According to traditional roles, the fact that everyone else is happy should be enough to make us happy because that is our responsibility. If everyone is happy, we are doing our jobs well. Of course, if there is some time after all this is done, it is acceptable to do something for ourselves. Otherwise, we are being SELFISH.
These limiting beliefs have so many implications for women in our society. As more and more women enter the workforce and try to keep their lives in balance, the stress builds. If we believe that we need to please everyone in our families, our relationships, our work place, what then happens to US? How can we do all of this and be successful at work too?
At work, how many times have you taken on other people’s needs or tasks before tending to your own?
How many times have you taken on the work of others with the attitude that “If I don’t do it, who will?”
How many times have you avoided necessary difficult conversations because you did not want to offend someone? You wanted to be well liked.
How many times have you not taken credit for your work well done because you want to be viewed as a team player? Perhaps you don’t even accept compliments graciously.
There have been so many articles, blogs, books written about the necessity for balance in our lives and how important it is to take care of NUMBER ONE. What about taking care of number one at work?
What do we need to do to advance our careers and get credit for the work we’ve done?
Maybe we need to be more focused first on our needs and career path before we take care of everyone else at work.
I would love to hear your comments. Do we need to be more selfish to be successful?
Bonnie, this is a brilliant post, so true! I am guilty of all of the above – I feel terrible if I don’t go far beyond my duty at work, taking on other people’s workloads. It’s crazy, but it feels so natural that I don’t even realise it might be detrimental.
I agree! We need to focus on our needs first before we take care of everyone else at work. It has taken me years to learn this in work and personal life. I find that when I address my own needs first, it clears up the space that I need to be able to help others. I used to be caught up worrying that people would perceive me as selfish, but I soon learned that as long as I’m mindful/aware not to be selfish, that my behavior will automatically regulate away from selfishness.
If the goal and objective is to be successful and prosper, what comes to my mind is the application of Good virtues not the practice of “selfishness”. Selflessness, is inspirating and service to mankind. I amm aware of over 100 good virtues that will empower indivduals to grow as a person and keep in cheek the guilt feeling. Effectiveness and efficiency that are grounded in truthfulness are beneficial to the culture and the world that we are all focusing on advancing, whether it’s equality, justice and quest for fullfilment as an individual. Yes it is a competitive world, daily preparation and constant virtue accumulation in practice not principle get us ready for the moment. Everyone has the capacity to be successful. “Freedom is the source of all happiness and creativity”.
I think that in order to be a successful person, one must put their needs first! we are trained from childhood to thru college to multitask and do what everyone requests of us, but when does that end??? it never ends until you put your foot down and realize that
you have goals and things that you have to accomplish outside of what others have to offer you… and then you have to find a way to make it happen…
I think that everyone has different definitions, convictions, and judgments. If we are thinking that women are such and such a way – look at how men are such and such a way – consider that both sexes can be this or that way and throw all the world’s judgments to the delete key and decide for yourself what is best for everyone – sometimes this thing may appear to be selfish – but if you don’t have the courage to be what some judge as selfish – what other little girl will?
i agree!!!world is selfish….first think about urself and then others..help others but not at your loss..but always try to help others if possible…
Hi Bonnie,
I would definitely answer ‘YES’. One needs to be selfish in order to grow in business or personal life. And I also feel that there’s a difference between ‘being selfish’ and ‘being mean’.
Being selfish mean taking care of your needs first so you can contribute in a balanced manner to enrich the lives of people around you, while on the other hand being mean simply implies to the act of taking care of your needs only, even at the cost of exploiting and suppressing others.
Being selfish is beautiful and being mean is ugly, but, alas, our society considers them as same. So sad!