I am curious why, if what her close aides and advisors said was true, Kamala Harris was reluctant to put her female identity as part of her presidential campaign when Hillary Clinton partly staked hers, when she ran, on being the first female president. I suppose the fact that some of Clinton’s supporters were attacked as ‘vag*** voters’ and that she didn’t succeed did not help the cause.
I mean, it’s the elephant in the room, isn’t it? Kamala being the only female to have reached where she did, the one running for the presidency, and the possibility of making history as the first female president.
I believe we need to mind this elephant.
I often hear women say ‘I don’t want to be a female this or that, I just want to be this or that’. In fact, at some point, I was called to order by someone questioning why I said ‘lady doctor’ in one of my marketing posts. I still don’t understand why. If you do, please help a sister out!😆
Where the hesitation is coming from is understandable. However, I don’t think we would wish to disengage from our female identity if we understood the purpose and the power that it carries. There are plenty of reasons why a candidate is meritorious as an individual, but we often forget that one brings their gender essence to a role.
It deeply saddens me that as women, we have been socialized to deny ourselves and adopt male masculine behaviors as a way to be accepted as potent leaders.
Even down to wardrobe choices. Case in point, media noticed that the minute Kamala was up for candidacy, her wardrobe almost always consisted of ‘power suits’. Power suits meaning pantsuits. I wonder, why can’t a dress/skirt suit also be widely seen as ‘power’ dressing? Interestingly, Hillary also started wearing her legendary pantsuits during her runs, albeit for the reason of fearing upskirt shots. Still…
Inasmuch as we want to be seen as human beings equal to and just as capable as men, this hesitation to claim our femaleness certainly doesn’t stop us from still being overlooked in top leadership opportunities. People are just more comfortable with male leadership.
Disadvantaged by both the ‘glass ceiling’ and ‘glass escalator‘, women continue being meagerly represented in executive positions around the world. A doctorate study reports that many women leader participants reported having been overlooked for senior positions they were well qualified for.
I have a small build, and, despite my absolute merit, one of the selection team members at a time when I was up for a high position in my field and aged 37/38, later said to someone that there was no way a small woman (age & size wise) would take up that position. Ouch and funny at the same time this double jeopardy is. I can’t exactly change my stature now, can I?
In her concession speech in 2008 to Obama, Clinton said: “Although we were not able to shatter that highest and hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you it has 18 million cracks in it.” It would serve us well to believe there are, but the ceiling still hangs thick and intact.
Why Do Women Get Overlooked?
Perception of Weakness
On a larger scale, for instance, in the US, there’s a belief that the US militarizes everything from elections to a can of soup, because femininity, as opposed to military masculine nature, encompasses traits of vulnerability, emotion, and risk. These are seen as weak and undesirable to the American way of life.
At a micro level, more and more studies are showing that women score higher in perceptions of leadership effectiveness. However, the scientifically uncorroborated common belief by society that female leadership is weak remains prevalent, but aptly corroborated by the ‘glass escalator’ phenomenon. Interestingly in those studies, women perceived themselves as ineffective leaders, in contrast to men.
Gender-based Criticisms
A great study by three female PHD researchers found out that, at the end of the day, women were just ‘never quite right’ for leadership. They identified 30 female-based identity traits that were shown to be overt or subtle areas of criticism preventing women from leadership. These included race, age, parental status, religion, attractiveness, body size, and physical ability. Women were more likely to be given vague subjective criticisms whereas men were given constructive and objective feedback.
The result of such is that women accept and internalize these criticisms, and deem themselves less capable and ineffective. On the other hand, society leans on ruling them out.
Career Interruptions, They Say
I used to know a male senior who would frequently say, ‘we shouldn’t hire more women, they later fall pregnant at the same time and disturb the work!’ It’s an unfunny joke. The good old need for maternity leave for hypothetical future pregnancies!
We get punished for taking time off to start families, take care of those children, and later our aging parents. As if the latter two, and definitely the first one in part, shouldn’t be a shared responsibility when we’re both in the workplace. As if creating work environments that encourage better work/home life harmony will not help remedy the situation.
Regardless of why women get overlooked, we are left to deal with the aftermath of the rejection of doing the required work, getting the required accolades, putting ourselves out there, but being left out in the leadership cold. This feeds a lot into our sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
So then what do we do when we get overlooked as women? When our value is rejected? What do we tell our future leader daughters? Do we collapse into a heap in a corner somewhere and not get up?
Certainly not. Of course, the easiest thing to do would be that, but we’ve got a job to do, a given purpose to carry out.
How Can Women Overcome This Rejection?
1. Understand and internalize that our worth/value is not attached to our positions.
This is despite how deeply ingrained society’s limiting belief that our value is attached to external things is.
We need to fight that narrative internally. It doesn’t serve us, and we run a risk of losing ourselves and resorting to unhelpful behaviors like ‘sleeping our way up’.
As per the gospel according to Shibu, let us know who we are and our inherent value, i.e. what we bring to the table as female human beings. Let’s embrace that and walk confidently in it.
Only then will rejection not tip the crowns off our heads.
2. Sit in and process our emotions.
Let’s be realistic, it hurts to be overlooked, it stings to be rejected. Anyone who says the opposite is not human. Emotions are an essential human attribute, ‘positive’ and ‘negative’. My body vibrated for a whole week, but at the time, I braved through it. I wish I didn’t.
We should honor our being by taking the time to acknowledge what we’re feeling, we ‘woosah’, reflect, meditate, go for a walk, have a slice (I said a slice) of dark chocolate cake with ganache frosting, and we pray about it.
After summoning the happy hormones and tending to our nervous system, we get up and do what we gotta do.
3. Adopt the attitude, no truth, that rejection only means one of two things: NOT NOW or NOT HERE.
When a door is being closed, it means that you’re either not on time or are at the wrong door. Either way, you not going through is no reflection on who you are or what you can do.
We all are given our areas of purpose, but oftentimes we may not be entirely clear where those are, or even what they are. One way to gain such clarity is through rejection. Another adage goes: Rejection is Redirection.
I give you permission to move on to another door. In fact, it’s imperative that you do. It may be in the same building, or a different building altogether. I promise you, if that first door was meant to be your assignment and it was just not the right time, it will resurface.
But one thing’s for sure, you were assigned to be a leader. Up to where you are, or beyond if God puts that desire in your heart. Just don’t let being overlooked tell you otherwise. And continue developing yourself into a better version of yourself as a leader, not because of any pressure to be better, but because you desire to serve better.
4. Put on our big girl undergarments and smile at our fellow contender.
Because we understand it’s not about them. Because we understand that no human being has the final say, or any say really, in what happens in our lives.
We don’t fake the smile, but as hard and unnatural as it is, we smile at them through the sting and the disappointment.
No matter how underhanded they got in the process, we reach out to shake their hand and congratulate them.
We respect and support their office, and even defend their honor if need be, because we have the same goal of serving our people.
It hurts to be rejected, it hurts to be overlooked. We’re left disappointed and sometimes embarrassed. All normal human reactions. But let not these emotions tell us we’re not worthy. Let not their words define our destinies. Let’s keep our crowns firmly on our heads.
Dr. Shibu Selatole
Dr Shibu Selatole is a Femininity Mindset and Lifestyle Coach certified in NLP Life Transformation Coaching. She helps women leaders embrace their womanhood and femininity so they can attain harmonious success at work and at home. She firmly believes that it's unnatural and unhealthy for women to continue succeeding in hyper-masculine patriarchal ways, and that this is why they experience more burnout than men. She has 20 years of forensic pathology practice, holds an MBA(cum laude) and is an award-winning Head of Unit, also overseeing clinical governance in her province and training of residents. In her dreams, her memoir is titled ‘Renewal, Decaff & Dresses’.
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